(Contributing to a hashtag made by Thracian Exodus.)
In so many ways, I am so new to this.
And I don’t think anyone is going to be expecting much out of me with only…what, four years of the Kemetic faith and witching under my belt? Especially considering that, for the last year and a half, I’ve had an intense fallow time that has left me feeling disconnected from the gods and most disturbingly my own energy. And I don’t expect much of myself either, realistically. I may be eager to learn, but I know my limits as someone still dependent on their family who doesn’t know and won’t understand and will at worst be downright hostile. Right now, I have to take very small, quiet steps. It’s frustrating as all hell. Not to mention my monotheist baggage, which has been a major part in the fallow time I’ve experienced.
But even then, I feel so much more free than I did in the baptist church, and here’s why:
I don’t begrudge people for their monotheistic faith, but as time goes on, I realize why I felt so depressed and spiritually dead. It wasn’t a path meant for me, as an adult. The flavor of religion I experienced relied on a fear of hell to bring in folk and keep them there for life, and even if the Abrahamic God gave us free will, we were punished for using it in a way other than what that god wanted from us. That’s not a mature way of looking at things. It’s not spiritually nourishing. A massive god free of faults is one I can by definition not experience something with, because I cannot relate.
I chose this path because I was called to it. Called by Anpu, welcomed by Wepwawet and Heru and Khnum and Set. All beings I could turn to to worship, to speak with, to assert my own boundaries, and in some ways receive a love that rivaled that of a massive and distant god. Anpu called me his child and I believed it. More than that, I was no longer bound by monotheistic thought wherein I had to believe my religion was the ‘correct’ one. Polytheism was a continuation of an existing trend of self-growth and enlightenment, for me. It helped me reach a new step of tolerance and empathy for other people, despite not always sharing their experiences. And it’s made me a better and happier person, and for that, I am forever grateful to my gods.