This blog has been dead for a while, not because I haven’t wanted to update it, but because I had nothing to update it with.
Lately as I lay awake at night in bed as I tend to do, I keep thinking about what I would like to do. What kinds of worship I can give to my deities, what kind of spirit work I can work towards, the ways I can use my natural spiritual talents and really do something. But in the end, I’m still laying in bed, and all I can do is muster hope that one day, I’ll be able to.
The massive fallow time that has consumed my life for the past year–or even more, if we’re being honest with ourselves–boils down to three factors.
One: Time. It’s not an excuse, and I know that. I continually get pulled into schoolwork because I am so desperate to succeed in college that it overshadows every other aspect of my life, even socializing. Even if I don’t do schoolwork, I think about the schoolwork that needs to get done, and I can’t get myself in the right mindspace to do it–or so I tell myself. Even then, at the end of the day, my energy is sapped, and I put it off until tomorrow.
Two: Shame. I no longer live with a roommate who might raise an eyebrow at the occasional prayer towards the sun or a muttered devotion to Anpu, but even so, I’m terrified to wear that badge on my sleeve, even in private. I live in a restrictive dorm so all the things I usually do, candles, incense and the like, is totally prohibited. If I wanted to commune with the spirits that allegedly live on campus, as I’m sure there are many, how would I be able to present myself in a space where anyone can happen upon me at anytime?
And even when I’m not here, when I’m at home everything has to be hidden, done by night. How do I reach out into my local community to learn how to do the things I want to do while I still have to hold onto a facsimile of Christianity for my own livelihood?
Beyond that, even: why do I feel embarrassment around the practices that I love, and that make my life better?
I’m certainly not the only pagan I know but I’m the only Kemetic I know, and cloistered here in my little dorm room it feels an awful lot like I’m surrounded by unfamiliar territory. Online, I don’t do much interacting with anyone because I no longer have the taste for drama or fights. More frequently I’m finding my thirst for a real-life group of peers that I can see and worship with or at least discuss the ins and outs of witchcraft with is ever-growing, and I can’t find that here. I don’t even know where to start looking.
I want to learn. I want to be more than self-taught. My frustration only gets stronger as this barren time keeps building.