I have a lot of fears.
I fear the dead, the passage of time, unfamiliar people and places, stress. I have chronic anxiety, after all, so this is to be expected. But I also have nagging fears in my religious practice as well: I fear the unknown and the unprovable. Let me elaborate.
My practice is fairly ordinary. I do light work with spirits, but nothing major outside astral work or god invocation. And in recent days my work has been almost non-existent; I’ve been caught up in the day-to-day goings-on of the world around me, and more than that, I feel as though I don’t have any purpose in what I’m doing, spiritually–or at least what I have been doing. The light spirit work, I feel, was just an introduction to what I need to do.
But I don’t know how to take that next step, and I’m afraid. And that, in turn, has reflected on the quality and quantity of my devotional and spirit work.
I am afraid to jump into the deep end, mostly because I know, in there, I will not be looked at as merely a quirky new-ager by most people’s standards. I fear for, firstly, my own sanity, and secondly, how it will effect the way I interact with people as a whole. If I’ve learned anything at all from the pagans and polytheists that I look up to, it’s that religious practice, when you really get on your hands and knees and put some elbow grease into it, is not easy or something to be blown off. It’s life-changing.
Now, back to the ‘provable’ part: what I’ve done so far isn’t provable by any stretch of the imagination except by circumstantial evidence, but going deeper into spiritual work will have more of an effect on me and it also won’t be provable. And when I don’t have solid proof for a thing that I have experienced, witnessed by another person, then I start to seriously doubt my sanity. It’s a nasty habit and I need to get rid of it, I know, but it’s there all the same, and I am afraid to doubt my sanity over and over because of my religious practice.
In the end, I suppose I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.